Sunday 14 February 2010

A Small Puddle

I think I need a new look. For too long I have languished in longjohns and bootees, an attenuated toddler with uncombable hair. I wear Snout's underwear and ramshackle trousers and I smell like an old man, of tobacco and wool. Every day I see the college students, poreless and fauny, loping off for another day of i-pods and meow-meow and nubile frottage and I think it's time to get some glamour back into my life, somewhere between the smoke and the snooze.

So I dictate this to my handmaiden from a bath of gin and olive brine, my shellacked lips fellating a pink cocktail cigarette, my talons lacquered carapace green. A clingfilm-clad dreamboat feeds me anchovies and tongue and when I rise queen-like from my salty mire he rubs me down with kittens. Herons dress me in a gown of baby locks and little skin slippers with curled up toes and my suitors' sighs dry my hair, my hair that falls starfish-studded right down to the ground.

Spangled piglets carry my train as I slink from dressing room to boudoir, where I am met by my hooded butler and a flagon of eggnog and ambergris. I sink into the cat-belly cushions of my solid sugar chaise longue and look lazily at the cabinets and the boys and girls inside. I point to the one I like the look of least and run a comb through my hair.

8 comments:

  1. What's it like to be so brilliant? Does it taste sweet and sour or rich and creamy?

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  2. If you ever decide to moonlight as a personal stylist catering only to the particular needs of the fashion-backward, call me. But please don't quit your day job as the mistress of grubby and gorgeous writing.

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  3. And that is exactly how you should be living, Sack Posset.

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  4. Ellie- Not to be too crude, but it tastes just like my marvellous cunt.

    Bea - You can be my first client - I'm working on a cunning Spam hat.

    Anonymous - How exciting! A mystery comment! You had better not be Martin Amis, though, 'cause I'm getting pretty sick of that guy stalking me. Same goes for Michael Aspel.

    gamefaced - Right back at you, darlingheart.

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  5. I figured it out--you're the love child of Tim Burton and Lewis Carroll.

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  6. So it was you that I saw the other day, in Marks and Spencer's.

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  7. sack, i was gonna make some relatively pleasant comment about yr pome and then i read yr comment above about being brilliant tasting like yr "marvellous cunt" and you kinda blew my mind. if anyone ever asks me that question, ima quote you.

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