Saturday, 13 August 2011

Squeeze Me Slow

I am not a traveller. I'm not a taker of trips. I'll make an exception for Blackpool, of course, my deep-fried neon holyland. Last time I went to Blackpool, the first thing I saw when I got off the train was a pregnant woman dragging on a Lambert while her shaven-headed toddlers gobbed at the gulls. When I die I will go back to Blackpool and suck suggestive confectionary with the one-armed angels in an infinite Penny Arcade.

But sometimes you just need to get away from it all, so the other day I packed some sandwiches and a salacious paperback and wriggled off on holiday underneath my bed. It was the holiday of a lifetime - no sun, so sand and no sea, although after one too many pina coladas I had an uncomfortable encounter with an imaginary cocktail waiter and before I knew it, I was up the duff.

After a brief gestation period, during which I almost did a wordsearch in Chat, my jaw sagged and my gall rose and I hawked up an infant all over the clues. We regarded each other with some mistrust until he slid down the magazine in a log-flume of afterbirth and swaggered off downstairs with my fags under his arm.

And that's how Baby Mumps came to live in the cupboard under the kitchen sink. Baby Mumps with his bumfluff 'tache and Color Me Badd on his boombox, a flick-knife down his Chelsea boot and a stash of Razzles behind the bleach. I've decided to adopt a rather laissez-faire approach to parenting.


  1. Laissez-faire parenting can't turn out anything worse the gull gobbers.

  2. Baby Mumps! Nooooooo! I thought it was the cat crapping in my boots. But since when do cats sign their poo with a fine blade?

    By the way, any relatives start talkin' about grandchildren we can now just point them to this blog and the problem will resolve itself. Simples.


  3. Ellie - Challenge accepted.
    Snout - It wasn't Mumps wot crapped in your boot....
    gamefaced - Back me up?

  4. sticky fingers with the fags!

  5. Congratulations on the wee one. Cherish these moments. They go by too quickly!

    If I didn't know better (I don't) I'd think you were Karen Russell herself. She wrote "St Lucy's Home for Girls Raised by Wolves" and "Swamplandia!" When I read these stories, I immediately thought of you!

  6. gamefaced - misunderstanding, methinks.

    zxvasdf - nice to see you again, Captain.

  7. children should not smoke. it is apparent when they choke.

  8. This reminds me of a dream I had, so I'll have to write about it now.