Tuesday, 9 June 2009

Look Back in Envy

Here I sit, beneath the ‘Crabs & Lobsters’ wall-chart that I got free with the Guardian, toking on a fat one and pondering the future of the female serial killer. Today I read three books about murderous women and shelled a pound of peas straight into my mouth. I lunched on Ritz crackers smeared with Gentleman’s Relish and Danish Blue and I had a soft-boiled egg for breakfast. Why does violence make me so hungry?

Last night I dreamt I went to Junior School again, back to the spire and the hills surrounding. Junior School was a wonderful place. I might not have learnt my times tables, but I did learn how to sew a guinea pig from brown velvet curtains and how to make chocolate mint creams. Sometimes the man who lived as a Roundhead came to give us a history lesson, and once the Great Jam Sandwich Machine rolled in, operated by men riding ostriches, and with much clanking and juddering and eruptions of glitter it produced a perfect sandwich for every last child.

Halcyon days. I still like to sew funny animals and draw lopsided pictures, but these days I try and intersperse my daydreaming and playing with more grown-up activities like washing pants and growing herbs and taking the cat for her jabs and, of course, reading my Children’s Encyclopaedia, because education should never stop. Although if I ever see that Great Jam Sandwich Machine again I will jump up on it and I will ride it to the ends of the Earth.


  1. "The Great Jam Sandwich Machine"

    I can see in addition to your craft with words, you also went to a school equipped with the finest that the food dispensary industry had to offer...

    Frig! I wish I'd gone to such a fine institution, but alas, I went to one which couldn't even find spare parts for the drinking fountain...that's why even today I am still thirsty.

    If you find The Great Jam Sandwich Machine, see if it will float or sail to San Francisco, I am kind of hungry too...

    Great Post!


  2. Halcyon days, indeed. Last night I dreamed I was in ACDC in the early days. I had no idea how to play the guitar but nobody noticed. It was a wonderful dream.

  3. Amen to childhood and the place where imagination and reality collide. Off now, to have a jam sandwich: yum.

  4. Hello everyone,

    I would like to strongly recommend cheese and jam sandwiches to you all. I like raspberry jam and Cheshire cheese in white bread, but feel free to improvise.

    Lots of love,

    Sack Posset

  5. ooo jam sandwich machine ooooo some butter and chilli and ooo :)!

    my favorite psycho is erzsebet bathory, i couldnt sleep for a whole week after reading her story, proof positive that evil may be rare but not nonexistant :(

  6. The machinations of the female serial killer is more subtle. Unlike her male counterpart, the craving for attention is muted. Instead of brute action, she resorts to wiles: poison, accidental falls, quiet suffocation of children and invalids, shrewd manipulation of events that culminates in a murder, and sheer henpeckery. Those who are caught have slightly more testosterone.

  7. MM - Bathory lives in my head, too. Once she's in there, there's no shifting her.

    zxvasdf - Exactly (unless she's killing with a partner), but for how long? Things are escalating.

  8. P.S. Mental Mist - I have never had a jam sandwich with chilli, but I am going to try it tomorrow.