Wednesday, 27 May 2009

Bank Holiday and Beyond

Returning home on Sunday from a day out in the Big City, I crested the hill and saw my garden full of my beautiful friends. All the neighbours were out with their beers and their barbeques and their big bellies broiling in the un-English sun. I changed into my Dalmatian suit and sprawled on the grass, drinking applecrisp wine and munching on the foetus-shaped biscuits that Best Girl had made. We stayed out until dusk soothed the sunburnt sky and then I had some fish fingers of inferior quality and the evening was ruined.

There’s a special fuckball game on tonight – Manchester United versus Barcelona. It’s a carnival atmosphere and to celebrate I am cooking my speciality. I will place a bumblebee inside a dormouse inside a kitten inside a cat inside a dog inside a monkey inside a big fat man and then I will spit-roast it in the garden, a process I normally save for premiership soccer stars. Then I will serve it with lashings of melted butter and no cutlery at all.

Twenty past three is too early to start drinking on an overcast day. Or is it.......?

9 comments:

  1. Never too early. Melted butter, yumm,

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  2. I heard the Big City is just like London, no?

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  3. Paul, as my headache this morning testifies, there IS a too early.

    Miss B: It IS, it's JUST. LIKE. LONDON.

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  4. Fish fingers really are one of the most powerful foods, like sausage rolls. A good one transports you back to childhood, a bad one makes you want to spit at strangers.

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  5. Do you know what, Arc my love - I cut into them and they were like FISHCAKES inside. No firm fishy fillets, just mushed up starchy abominations. Fuck you Harry Ramsden.

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  6. This post rocks. Foetus shaped bikkies, applecrisp wine & dalmation suits. What a Wonderland!

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  7. i have never had applecrisp wine, and i want some right now. do they only sell it in yr neck of the woods, or is this a wine that only exists in possetville?

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  8. Thank you Maxine - if you could be any character in Alice in Wonderland, who would you be? I think I'd be the baby who turns into a pig.

    Jason, I made it up, I'm afraid, in a fit of poetics. It was cheap white plonk from the cornershop. The illusion is ruined!

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  9. Make sure the fat man didn't have cola before, that will ruin the taste :)

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