Exeunt, Pursued by Bears

Britain’s Got Talent is on in an hour. Although it was a great deal of fun watching a man eat four chocolates in a minute, this week I am hoping for bigger and better things. Cats acting out the Trojan War, a man who can uncork bottles with his eyes, a fat priest performing Lady Hamilton’s Attitudes in a nappy, a woman suckling a pangolin, twelve bejewelled and shit-flinging eunuchs, a magician who vanishes the moral compasses of everyone in the room, a small boy who eats his own feet, The Great De-gloving Machine, a pelican circling the room with a baby in its beak or even a child singer who shouldn’t be shot on sight.