Wednesday, 18 February 2009

A Rainy Day Games Compendium

Do your work colleagues irritate you? Are your friends getting on your baps? Is your partner pissing you off? Why not try not washing? Just stop cleaning yourself or using deodorants or perfume or scented unguents and see what happens. An excellent revenge on many levels; friends and family may agonise for weeks over the right way to tell you that you stink. You may get sent home from work to have a bath – bonus time off! Your partner will be sexually repelled – bonus time off! Most impressively, though, every time someone smells you, they will inhale tiny particles of your sweet self; they will be colonised by you. Think of it as biological warfare.

Why not throw away all your underwear and use your knicker drawer to grow mushrooms?

Maybe men and women will never be equal because men are not scared of women. Perhaps instead of having plastic surgery to get larger knockers or smaller noses women should get scales and snouts and fangs and then they can hide down alleyways and jump out at people. We will be the vanguard, we have already written to Extreme Makeover UK. Or perhaps more women should become serial killers – a profession in which women are seriously underrepresented. Either way.

Another amusing thing to do is throw a dinner party and cook a really horrible meal. We recommend bone soup and things in aspic. If you choose your guests right, they will eat the whole thing rather than offend you.


  1. oh my god, loved that :D... i am growing fangs currently, takes too long though :( ... you should invite me to your bone party, i would be the ideal guest :(

  2. You would be more than welcome - you can chew through the bones so that we can get to the marrow.

    Please keep me updated on the progress of your fangs.

  3. And your writing amazes, amuses and educates and is just fabulously wonderful to read, Sack Posset.